Heard a good joke lately?

[Hampson]

Thought for 2012

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!

[Hampson]

Two Glaswegians, Archie and Jimmy, are sitting in the pub discussing Jimmy's forthcoming wedding.
"Och, it's all goin' pure brilliant," says Jimmy. "Ay've got everythin' organised ulriddy, the fluers, the Kirk, the mootor caurs, the recuption, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night".
Archie nods approvingly.
"Ay've even bought a kilt to be married in!" continues Jimmy.
"A kilt?" exclaims Archie, "That's magic, you'll look pure smart in that. What's the tartan?"
"Och," says Jimmy, "Ah'd imagine she'll be in white..

Nice ones Sue and Frans, sure he's not Irish.

Wend

[Cas19]

Thought for 2012

Dear God,

My prayer for 2012 is for
A fat bank account & a thin body.
Please don't mix these up like you did last year.
AMEN!

Love this Wend, it sure applies to me!

Casx

[neonouille]

Thanks Wend, I feel concerned! too!

[Sue]

Good one, Wend





Sue xx

[Frans]

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go andsee why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM.. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

[neonouille]

I knew it, but it's still good! Thanks Frans!

[Hampson]

Police cordoned off Liverpool City Centre this morning when a suspicious object was discovered in a car.

It later turned out to be a tax disk.

Wend

[Hampson]

CONFUCIUS DIDN'T SAY.



Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.

Passionate kiss, like spider web, leads to undoing of fly.

Lady who goes camping must beware of evil intent.

Squirrel who runs up woman's' leg will not find nuts.

Man who leaps off cliff jumps to conclusion.

Man who runs in front of car gets tired, man who runs behind car gets
exhausted.

Man who eats many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, it determines who is left.

Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.

It takes many nails to build a crib, but one screw to fill it.

Man who drives like hell is bound to get there.

Man who stands on toilet is high on pot.

Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.

Man who fish in other man's well often catch crabs.

Finally CONFUCIUS SAY. .. .

"A lion will not cheat on his wife, but a Tiger Wood!"

[jeffery]

I'm diggin' it Wendy.
Confucius also said,
"Many man smoke, but fu man chu".

[Hampson]

LOL Jeffery

I didn't know this ! ?...

When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure,

When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure,

When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems,

When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

Warn all your friends

Wend

[Corinna]

Love those!

[boztiggs]

oh these cracked me up , 3,5,6 and 9 especially and 3 the funniest

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE DISTURBED ~
...
1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....
6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
7. Borderline Personality Disorder --- Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy - can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder --- Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells

Neil

[Cas19]

Loved these Neil its nice to see a joke I haven't seen or heard before.

Casx

[jeffery]

Cracked me up too Neil !

[Hampson]

A bloke goes to the local council to apply for a job in the office..

The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine."

"Have you ever worked for the public service before?"

"Yes, I was in the army." he says, "I was in Iraq for two tours."

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment."

Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A mine exploded near me when I was there and I lost both
of my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "O.K. You've got enough points for
me to take you on right away. Our normal hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm.....
...but you can start tomorrow at 10.00am - and carry on starting at 10..00am
every day."

The bloke is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8.00am to 4.00pm,
why don't you want me here until 10.00am? I'm not looking for any special
treatment y'know"

"What you have to understand is that this is a council job," the interviewer says,

"For the first two hours we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching
our bollocks. There's no point in you coming in for that.."

Wend

[Hampson]

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I just found some naked photos of Miss Piggy floating in Kermit's pond. Looks like frog's porn to me.

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar...

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Sometimes you just can't win. I thought I'd be a gentleman and hold the door open for the young lady. Two minutes later she said, "Will you go away and shut the toilet door!!"

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.... I think they were just Hovis Witnesses

Wend

[Cas19]

Some of these are quite witty Wend.

Casx

[Frans]

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution, bored out of their minds.

"How about having sex with a cat?" asked the zoophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat and then torture it," says the sadist.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it and then kill it," shouted the murderer.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it and then have sex with it again," said the necrophile.

"Let's have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again and then burn it," said the pyromaniac.

Silence took over... and the masochist says:

"Meow."

[neonouille]

Thanks Frans! I like it!